Excerpts of the week

[Waterfall17]

Not sure if this is already somewhere else--if it is, I'll delete this topic and head over there .

I suggested sharing a short excerpt--a few paragraphs or so--via the cabin chat, and the idea seemed ok to you guys (or, uh, maybe that's just my dory memory? LOL), so here goes! *^_^*

If you have anything you'd like to share, whether it's a favorite piece, something you're proud of, etc., let's share here! We can update once a week. Anybody have suggestions about a day to post? I'm a bit late posting this one...

[Waterfall17]

“Of course it’s blue.”

Cerulean, to be exact, and, unsurprisingly, floor-length. But the shoulders…oh. It doesn’t have sleeves? I snatch the gown off the coral frame inside the bubble, gasping as the cool, almost weightless satin glides between my fingertips. Heat rises in my cheeks as I take in the deep v of the back. Silver threads inlaid with crystals cascade over the gap, crisscrossing in braids toward the center to form a teardrop. Stunning.
   
Also devious. It’ll draw far too much attention. I’d protest—not that it’d do any good—but considering the stakes, I’m not above using whatever advantage makes itself available to me. The material hugs my hips and accentuates my chest, but in an elegant, regal way. Men like this sort of thing. With the right amount of flattery and fake smiles, a dress like this could make even my clumsiness seem endearing. The unintentional brilliance of my mother is truly impressive. I slide a pair of sparkling silver sandals onto my feet and tighten the straps, taking one last glance at myself before I swipe the opal embedded in the sandstone for Marinae.  
   
I sigh. The dress may help me look the part, but I don’t feel like a future queen.

I’m certain there isn’t a soul in Ere foolish enough to believe I have anything worth offering them.

[Poetic-Jessie]

I really like the way you describe the material of the dress. It was like I could feel it in my hands and knew precisely what you were getting across. I'm impressed, you pulled me in and I was there, holding this dress with Nikaiya (I imagine she's POV character in this excerpt).

I really feel the self-doubt in Nikaiya. I can tell she has a monumental task ahead of her and she (and her mother) are using everything she has to her advantage. You're writing for young adult, and I think a lot of young adult readers would be able to connect with this self doubt and this makes (in my opinion) your character more sympathetic and easier to relate to

Overall, I think your writing is great you really transported me into Nikaiya's sensory reality and helped me see/feel her emotions and fears.

I hope this helped

[Poetic-Jessie]

Milorth started breathing fire at Sinnafain, who bent the sun rays around the dragon, blinding him. His breath of fire torched the forest outside of the keep.

“Not the forest!” shouted Periolos. He shook his branch-like arm at Milorth. “Dragon! Be careful where you send your flames!”

Sinnafain punched Milorth in the face and his flames set the training yard ablaze.

“Better,” said Periolos, as he nodded and crossed his branch arms.

“Better?!” shouted General Tullica as he, his soldiers and the rebels all ran from the flames. “They’re going to kill us all!”

“You’re human,” said Periolos, as if that in itself was reason enough to send fires after them.

[Elowen-Astrid]

@Jessie. I find it funny how your immortals keep dismissing the humans and I like the piece you shared. What worries me though is the power difference between the immortals and the humans. The humans feel pretty powerless and easily subjected to the whims of the immortals. (And now I kind of lost what I wanted to write, sorry, I am tired. But well, something is bugging me in the relationship between immortals and humans, although I find the relationship funny).

@Waterfall. I agree with Jessie and I don't have anything to add. So, keep up the good job

[Elowen-Astrid]

Here is my very belated excerpt:

Olivier felt like he was being watched, or ever worse, followed. He looked around but saw nothing. "I must have imagined it" he thought and he tried to shake off the unpleasant feeling. His horse made the same restless impression. "Perhaps there is something there." He expanded his mind and searched his surroundings for another consciousness. He felt nothing large enough to worry him. Yet he still felt troubled. [.....] A shadow flashed through the trees. Olivier drew his sword and spurred his horse to quicken pace. He felt safer with his sword in hand. The creature, whatever it was he had seen, would not surprise him. He searched his surroundings with his mind again but found nothing. Then, suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere a creature jumped towards him.

[Sophie]

I agree with Astrid as well, Jessie! It could also be that I don't have a sense of place (since it was just an excerpt) so I don't know the whole story. Otherwise I like it! The only thing I would add is that when someone does something like punching someone, I want to have a little more description. What kind of punch was it? Did it hurt Milorth or did he just take it? Was it bone crunching? Did it smack him right in the nose? And how did his flames then set the training yard alight? Just things to think about.

Ok next. I really like that Astrid!! It's got enough tension and momentum to make everything interesting. I especially like the shadow flashing through the trees. I don't have any criticism - and I assume you're writing in Dutch because otherwise my only critique would be a creature 'jumped' towards him since this word kind of betrays the intensity of the action. So in that case, no proper critique, sorry! LOL.

[Sophie]

And here's my also belated excerpt.

Thomothy was currently standing in a line that stretched down a long, narrow corridor. It was a long and sluggish line but Thomothy knew from his upbringing that queueing was a necessary torture of life. If anything, he’d become quite good at it. He wondered if this was to be his punishment or if there was yet more to come at the end of this Adhaneh-forsaken queue.

The line inched forward and Thomothy shuffled with it. In front of him stood three dwarves, standing in a row who were quietly murmuring between themselves. He thought to ask them if they knew what they were lining up for but he knew that was not proper queue etiquette.

Instead, he looked at the ticket he’d been given. It was unremarkable except for the printed green numbers and he stared at it until his vision swam and his head hurt. He wondered distantly if he was dehydrated.

Then from somewhere down the corridor, there was a terrible churning sound that started out like something being forced through metal gears but got faster and faster and was was howling like the wind until it was halted by a sudden KLUNK THRSKK.

‘NUMBER FOUR TWENTY-EIGHT.’ Someone shouted down the corridor, and the line took another step forward.

[Poetic-Jessie]

@Jessie. I find it funny how your immortals keep dismissing the humans and I like the piece you shared. What worries me though is the power difference between the immortals and the humans. The humans feel pretty powerless and easily subjected to the whims of the immortals. (And now I kind of lost what I wanted to write, sorry, I am tired. But well, something is bugging me in the relationship between immortals and humans, although I find the relationship funny).

I agree with Astrid as well, Jessie! It could also be that I don't have a sense of place (since it was just an excerpt) so I don't know the whole story.

In regards to the power difference between immortals and mortals, I guess I'm drawing pretty heavily from Daughter of the Forest (and pretty well anything by Juliet Marillier) and the Throne of Glass series and A Court of Thorns and Roses. In these books, (especially the Daughter of the Forest Series) the mortals are very much at the whim of immortals. There are the hapless mortals who stumble upon a ring of mushrooms in the forest and get trapped and enslaved for a hundred years then released, their loved ones dead and gone. The fae are also presented as these all-powerful, almost god-like beings, so I guess I'm going with what is already established. I figured if Fae are that powerful (meaning that humans barely make a scratch on them), then the rest of the immortals should be in that category too.

I suppose this is why the immortals dismiss the mortals regularly, because they're not as powerful and therefore, no matter how evil or good or influential, humans are unimportant to their very long lives. Like insects to us.

But yes, I see your point. To humans, they are very much overpowered. This plays into my plot, making the immortals cause all kinds of chaos. If it were about a war between mortals and immortals (like the dragon tries to take over the world), I would be limiting the power of the immortals so that the humans had a fighting chance. Or I would reduce the number of the immortals, so the humans could win with their sheer numbers.

For the sake of our IC forum, I can reduce Milorth's power?

The only thing I would add is that when someone does something like punching someone, I want to have a little more description. What kind of punch was it? Did it hurt Milorth or did he just take it? Was it bone crunching? Did it smack him right in the nose? And how did his flames then set the training yard alight? Just things to think about.

I know I need to work on my descriptions, so I'll certainly go back and put more description into this scene. I was trying to make them fight and show the different specialisations and fighting methods of both immortals,  to show that they're as powerful as each other, but in different ways. I'll take a look at how I can add more description so that I show this better.

Thanks for the feedback Astrid and Sophie

[Elowen-Astrid]

For the sake of our IC forum, I can reduce Milorth's power?

Perhaps? I think you should decide for yourself what is best. But compared to my mages, I don't think they stand a change against Milorth if it ever comes to a face down. Even when they are working together, I think all they would be doing is trying to defend themselves as good as possible and try to reason with him. 

And I agree with Sophie. Having more sense of the place may help with getting a better understanding of the relations between the mortals and the immortals. 

I have to add I have some sort of immortal beings as well (the faie) which are powerful and dangerous, but I think a clever person can overcome them and capture one if the story needs it. But they really are still a work in progress and unimportant at the moment. 

@Sophie. You have me really curious as to why Thomothy is queuing. You left me with a lot of questions but I love the piece you shared. Ahh you make me want to read further. Your writing style really resonates with me  

And I assume you're writing in Dutch because otherwise my only critique would be a creature 'jumped' towards him since this word kind of betrays the intensity of the action.

I am writing in Dutch. But I did use 'jumped' (afgesprongen; to jump = springen). I highlighted it so I can take a look at it later or discuss it with a friend. Thank you for your feedback. What do you suggest I use instead of jumped. I think that if I were to say a creature came towards him, the creature would lose it's momentum.

[Waterfall17]

Milorth started breathing fire at Sinnafain, who bent the sun rays around the dragon, blinding him. His breath of fire torched the forest outside of the keep.

“Not the forest!” shouted Periolos. He shook his branch-like arm at Milorth. “Dragon! Be careful where you send your flames!”

Sinnafain punched Milorth in the face and his flames set the training yard ablaze.

“Better,” said Periolos, as he nodded and crossed his branch arms.

“Better?!” shouted General Tullica as he, his soldiers and the rebels all ran from the flames. “They’re going to kill us all!”

“You’re human,” said Periolos, as if that in itself was reason enough to send fires after them.

First off, thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you liked what I shared ^_^. Also, sorry it's taken me an eon to respond...

I think you have a lot going on in this section, which is both good (lots of action, yay!) and yet also potentially bad (confusing). For me, jumping right into a scene like this without any real background--which honestly may be the issue lol--is difficult. The character flopping is pretty intense, and it's exacerbated with all the unfamiliar names.

I love the humor you've infused into the passage, though. It cracked me up!

Definitely promises a fun, intriguing story.

[Waterfall17]

Here is my very belated excerpt:

Olivier felt like he was being watched, or ever worse, followed. He looked around but saw nothing. "I must have imagined it" he thought and he tried to shake off the unpleasant feeling. His horse made the same restless impression. "Perhaps there is something there." He expanded his mind and searched his surroundings for another consciousness. He felt nothing large enough to worry him. Yet he still felt troubled. [.....] A shadow flashed through the trees. Olivier drew his sword and spurred his horse to quicken pace. He felt safer with his sword in hand. The creature, whatever it was he had seen, would not surprise him. He searched his surroundings with his mind again but found nothing. Then, suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere a creature jumped towards him.

I like the set-up here a lot--can definitely relate to the feeling of being watched, and I can feel the eeriness creeping around the corners of his mind. Great that the horse is feeling the same way! I want to know what happens next

[Waterfall17]

And here's my also belated excerpt.

Thomothy was currently standing in a line that stretched down a long, narrow corridor. It was a long and sluggish line but Thomothy knew from his upbringing that queueing was a necessary torture of life. If anything, he’d become quite good at it. He wondered if this was to be his punishment or if there was yet more to come at the end of this Adhaneh-forsaken queue.

The line inched forward and Thomothy shuffled with it. In front of him stood three dwarves, standing in a row who were quietly murmuring between themselves. He thought to ask them if they knew what they were lining up for but he knew that was not proper queue etiquette.

Instead, he looked at the ticket he’d been given. It was unremarkable except for the printed green numbers and he stared at it until his vision swam and his head hurt. He wondered distantly if he was dehydrated.

Then from somewhere down the corridor, there was a terrible churning sound that started out like something being forced through metal gears but got faster and faster and was was howling like the wind until it was halted by a sudden KLUNK THRSKK.

‘NUMBER FOUR TWENTY-EIGHT.’ Someone shouted down the corridor, and the line took another step forward.

I found this to be both dry and fascinating, which seems contradictory ! I think the dryness actually adds to it, though, imbuing Thomothy's character into the tone (because he finds it tedious). I'm trying to say I am able to see this line through Thomothy's eyes and feel it the way he does because of the way you've presented it.

I love the dehydrated line

Interesting world building as well!

[Sophie]

@Sophie. You have me really curious as to why Thomothy is queuing. You left me with a lot of questions but I love the piece you shared. Ahh you make me want to read further. Your writing style really resonates with me  

Thank you so much! I really appreciate that. You've inspired me to try and write again after a really bad four day dry spell! I'm still not writing the 2000 words I day I need to write but at least it's something.

I found this to be both dry and fascinating, which seems contradictory Razz! I think the dryness actually adds to it, though, imbuing Thomothy's character into the tone (because he finds it tedious). I'm trying to say I am able to see this line through Thomothy's eyes and feel it the way he does because of the way you've presented it.

I love the dehydrated line Laughing

Interesting world building as well!

Thank you so much! I hope anyone that's had to stand in a long line can relate to how tedious it is! I'm glad that I've been able to portray that! And also thank you for inspiring me to keep writing. It's so hard to stay motivated sometimes.

I am writing in Dutch. But I did use 'jumped' (afgesprongen; to jump = springen). I highlighted it so I can take a look at it later or discuss it with a friend. Thank you for your feedback. What do you suggest I use instead of jumped. I think that if I were to say a creature came towards him, the creature would lose it's momentum.

Yeah, came isn't write either. I think either leapt or lunged might be better; 'leapt' to keep with the fast pace of the piece, or 'lunged' if you want to increase the tension. I don't know if either of those words translate to Dutch very well though.

[Elowen-Astrid]

Yeah, came isn't write either. I think either leapt or lunged might be better; 'leapt' to keep with the fast pace of the piece, or 'lunged' if you want to increase the tension. I don't know if either of those words translate to Dutch very well though.

Thank you for your suggestions. They work in English, but not in Dutch. In the context of the excerpt they would translate to the word I already used.

[Sophie]

Yeah, came isn't write either. I think either leapt or lunged might be better; 'leapt' to keep with the fast pace of the piece, or 'lunged' if you want to increase the tension. I don't know if either of those words translate to Dutch very well though.

Thank you for your suggestions. They work in English, but not in Dutch. In the context of the excerpt they would translate to the word I already used.

Yeah, that's what I figured!! Keep up the good work then.

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